The Metro brings us a story of a mother-in-law who wrote to her son’s future wife with a letter systematically correcting her rude behavior.
Wedinator cares about what you humanoids think and would like to conduct a poll:
Via: Metro.co.uk
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Some of the mother-in-law’s points are totally legit – especially the parts about insulting the future family and the table manners. However, she could have maybe told her in a slightly kinder way, but I commend her for speaking up! As for other things, like sleeping in, is that really a big deal? I’m under the impression that guests don’t have to conform to family rules, and that hosts should be concerned with making their guests comfortable
“I’m under the impression that guests don’t have to conform to family rules, and that hosts should be concerned with making their guests comfortable”
This. And anytime I’ve ever had dinner at someone’s house, it was unspoken that it was okay to get extra helpings. The host should make sure there is plenty for everyone. I’ve never heard about waiting to be invited until this letter.
Some of this stuff though… I think the mom is being pretty rude and out of line. This isn’t HER CHILD she’s correcting. She’s talking to a grown adult and thus should be more respectful.
It takes a village to raise a child.
That said, some of the points made are just rants as perhaps once-upon-a-time they were considered proper manners the accepted norms today are different.
Manners are always best defined as trying to make others around you more comfortable. If everyone at the table belches to show appreciation for a meal, by all means, indulge their standard (it’s not a crime).
None of it is justified, the woman is a monster.
That.^
1.) The bride is diabetic. Diabetics have a restricted diet. They can’t eat just anything (or shouldn’t anyway). They also have meals scheduled differently then people without diabetes. They also may need a snack if their blood sugar is off.
2.) If someone is on vacation and visiting, why would you make them get up at YOUR work time? My bedtime/wakeup time are set for my job. The only people I expect to keep to that schedule are the people in my work carpool.
3.) This is not Freddie’s mother. This is his step mother.
4.) This is a class issue. Lady muck is not a member of the nobility. She’s a farmer and middle class at best. If anyone has pretensions, it’s the Step Ma-In-Law who is acting like Hyacinth Bucket (it’s pronounced Bouquet!). The bride comes from an area Step Ma-In-Law obviously feels is “low class”.
5.) The bride’s parents did not save for her wedding because like most modern, sensible parents they thought putting her through college was a better investment. They also weren’t able to contribute because they had both lost their jobs.
6.) If Lady Muck is not contributing to the wedding. The wedding is being paid for by Freddie’s father and the bride and groom. There for it is none of Lady Muck’s business how much is spent or where and on what.
7.) It’s in England. $18,000 pounds for a wedding is rather reasonable for a wedding. Renting a castle is not that extravagant or all that exceptional for a wedding either. Castles, in England, aren’t that special. They’re all over the place.
The Bride (named Heidi Withers) actually didn’t send this around. The bride in question got THREE such e-mails from the Step Mother In Law (yes, this is “Freddie’s” Step mother, not his actual mother) and showed them to Freddie. Both she and Freddie showed them to her Parents and asked what to do about it. Her father recommended they just ignore it which they did for awhile. They also asked for some advice from friends…and one of the friends forwarded it and then it went viral.
I agree with everything you say apart from the £18000, I don’t know anyone that has afforded over £9000 for their wedding, I think that could be a money divide there. The castle local to me does all-inclusive weddings ranging from 12-20,000 so I do agree they are not out of this world expensive
I just ran the exchange rate on the amount cited; £18000 works out to be $28,670.47! When I married my wife in 2001, I think the whole affair cost no more than $5,000 (£3,139.89). What on earth is driving people to sink that much into a wedding?
Regarding the mother-in-law: I wonder how she would react to hanging up clothing on wire hangars
I, for one, am glad to get the “inside” story. The email itself sounded fishy to me, especially the paragraph about the bride’s family not contributing for the wedding, as well as the berating over the castle. Something didn’t seem quite right about the whole affair, and now it makes sense.
I truly hope the step-mother learns a little bit about respect, and that the wedding is lovely for Freddie and Heidi.
Congrats to the couple!
Some of her table manners she mentioned are ridiculous, but she has some good points in there (don’t insult the future family, don’t expect a dream wedding if you can’t afford it yourself, etc.)
But she is getting married into the family, she’s more than just a simple guest at the house. She should feel comfortable going for seconds or being the first to take a bite – these rules are nothing more than being nitpicky.
I fail to see how any of her table manners are ridiculous. First off she’s diabetic, it makes perfect sense that she would say that she couldn’t eat certain things. It also would make sense if she said that she didn’t have enough. Sounds like step-mom would’ve had a fit if Miss would’ve gotten sick(oh the inconvience and disgrace). Besides I’m sure a hospital visit wasn’t on Misses list of things to do that day over sugar problems. I think it’s wonderful that she felt comfortable enough with her future inlaws to state those things as well as helping herself to seconds. After this email I’m sure she won’t feel so comfortable around them again. I wish I was this brave with my inlaws. My husband’s grandmother never makes enough food and she looks down her nose at women who eat too much. I always leave starving because all the females are eating like birds. Not that i’m that comfortable around her anyway. She can’t even remember that I’m older then my husband. The biggest thing is the fact that she made it clear when we were engaged that I didn’t meet her standards. I didn’t look good enough, my career path wasn’t good enough, etc. I think Miss is in for a ride with this evil women and I hope she can avoid her as much as possible.
My grandmother is a bit like that, she refuses to serve anything but what she likes and has always made, since my sister and mother learned that they were unable to eat wheat they’ve had to take their own food with them as she refuses to change. She never accepted vegetarians and good god don’t mention ‘foreign food’ of any sort in front of her.
My mum was never ever made to feel welcome for just those reasons and hasn’t seen her since my parents divorce, and my brother refuses to visit after she refused to host him until he got rid of his blue hair. She constantly plays one granchild off agaisnt the other, and the house is always freezing – but she’s still never written anything that rude.
This woman is quite possibly a monster.
I feel mixed on this – some of it sounds justified, some of it doesn’t.
For example, I agree that it’s rude to remark that you don’t have enough food, to help yourself to more without being offered, and to lie in bed all morning if everyone else gets up early.
But the stuff about the castle and having a modest wedding just because they don’t earn much is a little over the top – that’s not about manners, that’s just her opinion!
I’m guessing this mother-in-law didn’t WANT to like this girl before she even turned up.
Yeah, that thing about “it’s OK to be poor, BUT your parents should have saved money for your wedding” is a real backhanded comment. This whole email is an underhanded way of alienating the bride-to-be. If this lady really wanted to help her daughter-in-law she would have said something more like, “Some of your manners have offended members of our family. I don’t think you meant to do so, so I would like to help you with this, if you don’t mind.” Then if the bride can actually accept help if she wants it.
My thoughts exactly. For a women who is berating someone else for their manners, the old bat sure is rude. I read it instantly as a class thing. Especially the comment about “why didn’t your parents save for the wedding?”
This is not a friendly reproach, this is a GTFO my step-son letter.
Maybe she was too nervous to face this woman first thing in the morning. I’ve been known to hide out in the bedroom waiting for everyone else to finish their bathroom routine because I don’t know when I am supposed to barge in. And I’m not about to help in the kitchen if I know I’m just going to do it wrong anyway.
It seems to me that the heart of this letter is a class divide. If not an actual class difference, then a, unspoken one. The mother in law thinks that her son’s fiance is a lower class, and I assume she is British from the tone and wording of the letter. I think it is disgusting, and if I was in the future daughter in law’s position, I would want very little to do with my fiance’s family.
I have lived in many places on both sides of the pond, and the greatest class divides exist in th US. From the tone I think this is a east coast old family who live on their airs and graces
Americans on the East Coast can most definitely be snobs, but the source article indicates that this particular snob is in the UK.
Yeah, Kent i think they said, joy.
The crazy thing is, these are the ‘norms’ for my boyfriends family and their social circle, the waiting till everyone is seated before eating and trying your best to fit in with the families routine while you are there – I wouldn’t dream of helping myself to food without asking (and i’ve had a medical condition where eating regularly was important) and would always offer to help with chores. But the difference is even if I were a fridge raiding slob with the table manners of a tapir they are them selves far to well mannered to point it out and they would certainly never ever do something so ungracious as to write me an email like that.
Withers may be unrefined but MIL is just a total nightmare!
In this case, I think MIL ought to mean “monster-in-law.”
I actually feel the reverse. My cousin is about to marry a girl, both come from families with modest means, and neither of them make a great deal of money, but she is insisting on having a huge, lavish wedding that will likely throw them into debt.
We have all tried to be supportive but it causes family rifts – especially once she started kicking out bridesmaids because they couldn’t afford $80 shoes on top of the dress etc.
I think it is an important life lesson to live within your means.
That said, mom could have been nicer.
Mom is a judgmental control freak. Normal moms wouldn’t even notice most of that stuff. Guess who’s never going to get to see her grandchildren?!
THIS!
I hope the “evil stepmother” doesn’t manage to wreck this relationship.
No, looks like the “charming” fiance may do that herself with her lack of consideration.
You really think the lack of manners mentioned in the letter should really be used to describe an adult? The young lady should have taken more time trying not to offend her future in-laws than making herself comfortable.
That is not to say the the step mother could have said things in a more polite manner, but at least she kept there opinions in the family instead of forwarding the letter to all her friends!
Never say anything in writing that you aren’t okay with the whole world finding out – especially if what you’re writing amounts to a laundry list of personal attacks.
As others have said, there are much better ways to handle a confrontation like this if these “flaws” are genuine concerns. However, in the way the wicked step-mother handled things, she’s showing herself to be just as lacking in class and manners as she has decided the bride-to-be is.
I do believe it’s more polite to rise with the rest of the household as long as it’s not some dreadfully early time, or you have some extenuating circumstances like a late shift the night before, etc. However, it’s shows much more grace as a hostess to overlook such a thing.
normal mums?? heck – i’m young, but i’d send this sort of thing too. when trying to mesh into a family of a different style (cultural, financial, etc) it’s important not to step on too many toes.
Step on toes? By what, trying to feed and rest yourself sufficiently? If there’s a culture where they want guests to be hungry and tired and miserable, count me out!
That goes both ways. The family-of-different-style/culture/whatever should also realize that the future DIL has the right to be who she is without having to completely conform to their expectations. There is a HUGE difference between manners and just sloppy, lazy, disrespectful behavior, definitely, and I’m not excusing the latter. But I married a man whose family is from a European country (I’m American) and who are as different from me as night is from day — they’re reserved and stoic, I’m extroverted. They have very definite, specific dinner table rules and I come from a family that was much more relaxed. They’re very outdoorsy and I’m just not. The list goes on. I do my best to fit in, but there are times when I think it would just be best to never see them again. Fortunately I love them, and I think they love me, so I’ve never resorted to that extreme. But it’s not always easy to be the “different” one in a family with very strong cultural/class/whatever ideals.
“Guess who’s never going to get to see her grandchildren?!”
MIL seems to be the type that is so overbearing that she would get lawyers involved so that she could see her grandchildren.
Maybe justified, but went completely the wrong way about it – should have been done person-to-person, not by e-mail.
Word!
Wow. Regardless of what the bride’s expectations/manners may be, and also regardless of how arcane/unreasonable the mom’s expectations may be, the facts are that this couple is going to have a tough time dealing with “inlaws,” at least on one side. My prayers to them. May they have a strong and happy marriage of many decades, regardless of the Mom’s vitriol.
I agree with some things (sleeping late when everyone else is up) and disagree with others (perhaps the girl’s family hit hard times and had to dip into the wedding savings).
The bottom line is, it wasn’t very kind to heap it on all at once and make so many assumptions about this girl and her family. “Miss Manners” broke a few golden rules herself. This is going to make the wedding and any future visits extremely *awkward*.
I have an aunt who is toxic like this. Everyone dreads being around her, for fear she’ll correct every little behavior, right down to the shoes you’re wearing. Ugh.
“toxic” what a WONDERFUL description!
This. My father has NO money to finance my wedding because, when my mother died unexpectedly and suddenly, money became incredibly tight. To think that my future in-laws would think that is a reflection of his inability to “save for my marriage” (an outdated way of thinking, actually– if parents would like to help, that’s wonderful, but there should be no expectation of them doing so) makes me ill.
I agree. My family can’t afford to pay toward my wedding, as they have many other, much more important financial commmitments – mainly the raising of my younger siblings. I would never have decided to get married if I could not finance it between myself and my fiance – I think people who expect money are disgraceful to be quite honest.
However, you *would* be in the wrong if you expected a huge lavish wedding paid for by your future spouse’s family regardless of your own family/your own ability to pay towards it.
I have an aunt like that too (who corrects EVERYTHING and tends to heap work on to everyone) it sucks big time especially being as she doesn’t work, and i went to x-mas at my grandmas a few years back after working 2 weeks straight slams (open to close) and i get there, and she complains about how tired she is, and how i need to do this (obscenely) long list of things for my grandma (which i found out were the things my grandma had asked her to do, along with MANY other things that she had come up with that “needed” to be done) and to avoid her wrath, i spent what was supposed to be my vacation working my a$$ off, with my reward being that she got EVERYONE else extravagant x-mas gifts and i got “forgotten”
so I really sympathize with the “toxic” thing we all avoid her except around x-mas now (we can’t avoid her without avoiding my grandparents who i love)
It’s a pity you can’t divorce yourself from people like that.
That lady is crazy! there might be some things she might be right about, but to say that her parents should have saved up, who knows what financial situations her parents are in, and every bride wants the best possible wedding. That lady just wants her mommas boy all to herself!!
totally. mom in law is totally whacked. Needs pills, therapy, definitely pills. And don’t let her near the sharp utensils.
Oh wow. This sounds just exactly what my ex-france’s mom sounded like. Quite frankly I’m surprised I never got a letter like this. I’m siding with the girl because I’ve been in this type of situation. Maybe the mom just doesn’t like her and is taking out her frustrations.
What’s an ex-france?
You have an ex-france?
I want an ex-france!
I want a france to begin with!
I have an ex-spaniard in my past.
I have an ex-spain – he’s a spain in the butt –
What is he now?
Maybe if they were covering the entire email where the step mother in law to be addresses the fact that the bride to be has diabetes…
The step has a lot of good points on the behaviors, except the food related ones. She should have considered that diabetes can be life threatening and that food needs to be to the bride to be’s standard, not her own narrow view. Everything else, though, she is pretty spot on.
Except that it’s the worst of manners to alienate someone by pointing out their bad manners.
The. Worst.
Would have to know more to have a clear understanding. But it seems that for someone so concerned about rudeness that she in turn is being rude. Personally I’d prefer someone to approach me about the matter in person, not send an email. Now perhaps I grew up in a more lenient household, but some of this stuff doesn’t seem all that bad. If I invited someone over I’d rather they didn’t eat stuff they didn’t like. I’d want them to feel comfortable enough to say no. Especially if they’re soon to be family. Waiting for permission for seconds seems crazy also. I’ve yet to eat at a house were that was normal. And I don’t see why you should break your sleeping habit just because you spent the night in someone elses house. And wouldn’t we all like to have our wedding in the castle? Sure it’s not always possible, but you can dream. Some of the things stated do seem like rude things to do, but for the most part it seems like a very stiff necked family. I wouldn’t want to marry into such a stuffy family that judged every little thing I did.
It should be noted that in the full email which you can read here: http://www.digitalspy.co.uk/odd/news/a327487/bride-to-be-criticised-by-mother-in-law-in-viral-email.html it’s revealed that the bride to be has diabetes which puts the Step-future mother in laws comments about food into perspective.
Heidi is apparently a long way off being an ideal guest, according to Mrs Bourne’s high (if a little outdated) standards.
But there’s ways and ways of dealing with that. Sending her a ranty email detailing her faults is so desperately rude that it more or less cancels out any right Mrs Bourne ever had to consider herself an arbiter of manners.
PS I bet I’m not the only new wife here who is now wondering what her own mother-in-law would put in such an email. Certainly my husband and I, while we write thank you notes for gifts, have never sent his parents a thank-you card after we’ve been to visit them for the weekend…
I’ve heard of sending thank-you notes after visits. It’s a bit of an antiquated thing, though, and I don’t think it’s expected of anyone anymore.
Also, the MIL-to-be should take into account that a lot of these etiquette rules aren’t taught anymore. I wasn’t taught anything much except for saying please and thank you and such. I’m naturally very careful in how I approach people but the actual “rules” are mostly foreign to me, which is why I plan to get a book to help me teach my children.
It seems like they both have points against them. Yeah, being whiny about the food served to you and demanding a fairy tale castle wedding when you cant really afford it is a little much.
But on the other hand, expecting your guests to wake up when you want them to is a little weird. And insulting her parents by saying they should have saved up for their daughters weddings is just as rude as everything the mother in law is accusing her of.
Being whiny about food is a but justified when you’re diabetic and therefore need to watch what & when you eat rather closely. If I were this woman’s step-son (she’s not even his real mom!), I’d disinvite the witch and inform Dad that he’s welcome, so long as he doesn’t drag her along.
a castle wouldn’t actually neccessarily be any more expensive than another hotel/country house etc venue. You can get married at most National Trust properties, a lot of which are castles.
While Miss might be on the spoiled side, future stepmom-in-law went too far in sending her a detailed email cataloguing her crimes and misdemeanors. Miss then overstepped by making it public. I think Mom had a right to say, “In our house we do expect you to get up for breakfast,” but Miss should have maybe kept it to herself that she didn’t like certain foods. If they are served you, one takes a small helping and passes the dish on. Both are equally ungracious in this case. Mama comes across like Hyacinth Bucket, but Miss does not have some of the basic lessons of houseguesting learned. I would suggest Lad and Lassie move far, far away after the wedding.
If you check other comments, apparently Miss has diabetes, and in light of that, I’m willing to bet her food restrictions are caused by that, not mere preference. Casts that particular complaint in a whole new light. “If you’re not allergic, you’ll eat it if I serve it, even if it kills you!”
Yes, I missed that she had diabetes. I have some life-threatening food allergies and I really need to know what is in the food myself. I would suggest though that Miss had sent Mrs. a note explaining. Still, it is wrong to criticize someone who just neglected to tell you in advance there are foods they can’t eat. There’s a definite tone of “not good enough” in her communique.
Well, since the future mother in law states the bride to be isn’t quiet about her diabetes there might not even have been an instance of “neglected to tell in advance”. We don’t know either way. Since the bride to be was apparently open about her condition there was a good chance the mother actually knew what sort of foods the woman couldn’t eat, or at least knew she had to be careful what she ate. I feel she’s just being snobby. Unless the future mother in law actually made an effort to create a meal around things the girl could eat, and the girl was snobby and said “I don’t like this, I don’t like that.” There are a bunch of things left out. From seeing how the future mother in law talks and acts in this email I don’t think she made an effort to accommodate her diet. Just my opinion.
Concur. Miss could have informed Mrs. a note, or Freddie could have said “Mom, Miss has certain nutritional challenges and I was wondering if you could help me integrate them into the meals…” That presumes that Miss is not ashamed of being diabetic – no one should be. However, Miss could have presented the issues differently, and a good hostess Mrs. would have done everything she could to find out the information in advance.
How do we know she didn’t tell the mother in advance? She was apparently very open about her condition.
I clicked the link and read the entire e-mail … apparently the future MIL thinks it’s “vulgar” to discuss one’s medical issues. So Heidi might have tried to mention her dietary needs earlier and been shot down for daring to mention them. I’m hypoglycemic and allergic to several things, and my in-laws have trouble with that sometimes. I’ve been married 20 years to their son and my MIL still forgets and makes meals with foods I can’t eat, or expects us to skip lunch when doing so would give me a horrid migraine, then she acts put out if I suggest I need to eat (especially on road trips or out sightseeing — and yes, I do bring my own food when possible). So I wouldn’t dare to judge Heidi on the food issues. Who knows what communications barriers there are on that front?
She thinks it’s vulgar to discuss one’s medical issues?
Okay, whatever iota of sympathy I might have had for her just went out the window. What a poisonous creature.
If someone gave me the snotty instruction that “in our house, we are expected to be up for breakfast,” my answer would be something along the lines of, “Great, perhaps you could recalibrate my metabolism so that I’m both able to wake up early and hungry shortly after I wake up.”
I’m what chronobiologists call an “extreme owl”; barring artificial constraints, I’ll likely still be working long after you’ve gone to bed, but you probably won’t see me awake again until lunchtime. I’ve also had “morning sickness” since I was five. Go figure.
Is it ruder to take a small portion of something you know you don’t like and then eat it with unavoidably “long teeth,” or just discreetly pass the dish on? I prefer the latter approach, personally.
Miss actually didn’t mean for the email to go public. She sent it to a few friends to get an opinion on what to do. One of the friends took it about herself to make the email public. And normally I’d agree about taking at least a little of something even if you don’t like it. But in a family case I think a future family member should feel comfortable expressing their likes and dislikes. I’d feel horrible if someone in my family disliked something I made and just ate it because they felt they had to. Also having read the whole email I find I can’t sympathize at all with the mother. Her remarks were cutting in cruel, more so then what this clip shows. She tells Miss that Freddie is too good for her and that she needs to go to a finishing school. As well as saying making references to a tv show that insinuates that Miss is like a boy in her mannerisms.
They’re made for each other… poor Freddie.
The is the groom’s step-mother. I bet he has a wonderful relationship with her. (Please note the sarcasm in my comment.)
the monster-in-law seems like a cow. the fact that she seems to imply that the future d-i-l is a gold-digger makes me think that all she cares about is money herself. As for the whole manners thing. Maybe her own son should have informed his bride to be about certain things within the family home or told his mother about his f/w dislikes etc. Rudeness on all parts i think.
This is truly toxic, and more “vulgar” than anything this woman is accusing her future daughter-in-law of doing. What a bad situation to be marrying into!
Oddly, even knowing about the diabetes/food issue, the part that really killed me was about the cost. So, the bride’s parents and the bride and groom can’t contribute very much to the wedding. This would the letter writer and her husband are paying – if they disagree with something, couldn’t they just SAY NO?
The whole cost of weddings thing bothers me. Why on earth do we spend hundreds, perhaps thousands of dollars/pounds/whatever unit of currency on a dress that will be worn once? Why does everyone have to mortgage their future to throw a huge shindig just to try to impress people? Why does the bride think she has the right to be a princess on the “most important day of her life!!1!”?
The thing I noticed is that this is UK-based. They have different expectations in regards to manners and decorum than in the US.
I live in the UK and trust me, you’re not required to behave as prim and proper as that. The mother-in-law is incredibly rude and in the wrong.
Yes, totally that Hyacinth Bucket woman. Oops, that’s Bouquet.
Prefer Bucket
That’s good to know, although Mrs. does sound like the upper-crust (or wannabe upper-crust) of British society.
That isn’t necessarily true. The class difference in the UK is out of proportion. Middle class and lower class families (aka the “norm” for most of the population) are increasingly “Americanized” and the adherence to strict manners and decorum are reserved for the elite, in general, or those who believe themselves to be pompous asses which I’m assuming this MIL is. You would have to be incredibly pretentious even in the UK to send an email like this.
BTW – “Americanized celebrity weddings” are normal and very in fashion here. Old bag needs to get a hobby. =)
The bit about not taking second helping of any food is very English. I was not born her – immigrant family – and I have to remember that whenever I am with any in-laws or friends. I come from a pretty huge family and family meals tend to be a free-for-all with lots of food laid on. English families don’t often do that (I’m not including barbeques in this, which seem to be outside these “rules”!).
Justified or not, this woman (and probably Freddie) are gonna be miserable in that marriage until somebody tells her to SHUT HER TRAP and mind her OWN BUSINESS! That woman is trying to try to run (or ruin) their marriage, I doubt they’ll ever really get along. If they do, “miss manners” is just going to go home and stew until things get worse.
She may be the epitome of good manners and all, but this is NOT how you deal with your future daughter in law. You know, don’t piss upstream from where you get your water and all that…..
Heidi has no manners – this is obvious. Everybody knows that when you visit someone’s house, you fit in to their routines and do things their way.
Mother-in-law, on the other hand, is both rude and nasty. Her concerns should properly have been taken up in person, and with a rather more generous spirit.
I think a bunch of these things could be the mother in law building them up in her head.
If she has diabetes, she needs to eat regularly and she needs to specific food.
Depending on how she asked for more food – it could be, “do you mind if I can have a little more?” and the mom overreacted.
I wonder what the insult was… I bet it was nothing that was totally blown out of proportion.
I think this woman is nuts! Why not call your future daughter in law and tell her what you think. Emotion is lost in email. It comes across as bat-sh!t insane, rather than a guide to correcting her behaviour
“Depending on how she asked for more food – it could be, “do you mind if I can have a little more?” and the mom overreacted.
I wonder what the insult was… I bet it was nothing that was totally blown out of proportion. ”
This is what I was thinking. From personal experience (my brother’s wife always gives everyone VERY small portions), if this bride-to-be was still very hungry, or knew she needed more food for her diet, she might have very politely asked. I have a feeling the future mother in law was already looking at things pretty negativity since the daughter(and son probably too?) woke up that morning (After others)
I also agree with another poster that I wouldn’t want to intrude on the set house times and would wait until everyone else has finished their bathroom routines (showers), before exiting myself. I would not want to use up the hot water before the last person, just like I would not want to drink the coffee before others have had their fill. I guess she could have woken up and mingled about beforehand, but some people are just shy (like me!). Especially with a future mother in law like that. She might have already been uncomfortable.
I don’t think either of them comes out of it well.
As a guest, it’s rude not to fall in with your host’s arrangements, so IF Heidi was made aware of when the family normally gets up, she should have got up at that time.
Helping yourself to food without being invited and starting to eat before everyone has been served are rude, as is being critical of what you’re served
BUT sending a letter like this is way ruder, and some of the comments are outrageous – the bits about paying for the wedding? Unless HEIDI asked StepMum for money for the wedding, then it’s none of her business who is paying, or how much they paid. Even if she and her husband are contributing, their business is what they are prepared to give, not what anyone else pays or doesn’t pay.
I think StepMom is the ruder of the two, however, as most of Heidi’s transgressions could be down to misunderstandings or poor communication, whereas StepMum is being deliberately nasty.
Poor Freddie
Having been born and raised in the Southern US, it is paramount here to make guests as comfortable as possible. Hosts here cater to every need, whim and see to our guests’ comfort as closely as possible. This woman’s complaints her actions are unfathomably rude – to me. And I was raised in a lax, laid-back household that wasn’t very etiquitte-based.
“Helping yourself to food without being invited and starting to eat before everyone has been served are rude.”
I’ve been in a situation where I have waited to be invited to help myself to food, and the hosts misunderstood my intentions – it was actually rude not to “dig in” as it implied that you disliked their food. So, as you said, it can come down to misunderstandings.
Surely Freddie could have mentioned some of these issues his mother has, especially about food service. Shouldn’t the host be working to make the guest comfortable, not the other way around? If your guest is diabetic, as a host, you should see to their needs. But Freddie should have told his fiance that at their house, one waits for everyone to have their food before beginning and for someone to offer seconds instead of taking them.
I have never expected a guest to wake up at the same time as everyone else in my house. I might wake up early if my guest is an early riser but there is no reason for them to wake up early just because I do (unless we have plans).
And the whole bride’s parents paying for the wedding is a bit archaic. I don’t know how the castle wedding idea came up, how much any particular castle costs to rent out for a wedding (though I suspect you can find one at a similar cost to renting out a hotel’s ball room). It would seem that the future mother-in-law has money (hence the accusations of gold-digging), so why can’t the women help out with her son’s wedding anyway? She didn’t state in any way that she was hard up, just that the bride’s parents were. It sounds to me like the bride asked for or anticipated some financial assistance and future MIL is pinching her pennies.
If my future mother in law acted like this, I could understand saying rude things in public. I might even be tempted to have the bat over to our new house and serve food she does not like in small portions, neglect to offer seconds, and the wake up either very, very early or very, very late and complain with mumsy doesn’t fall in line.
Guys tend to marry women who are like their mothers. Judging from this letter, they both sound a little off.
To correct another person’s rudeness is rude itself.
And, according to a story I read about this, the reason the prosepective daughter-in-law was ‘picky’ about her food is that she is DIABETIC. (This may be why she started eating before the others–if she felt she was on the edge of a LBS episode, she needed to get something inside her ASAP.)
You took the words right out of my mouth. To point out someone’s rudeness (whether real or imagined) is rude in itself.
There’s a right way to go about pointing out someone else’s rudeness, so that in and of itself isn’t rude, I don’t think. But I think this woman did it the WRONG way, and I think some of her complaints should have been kept to herself.
Two sides to every story, folks.
agreed she’s not nicem, but that’s no reason to insult female dogs. ;o>
Good one!
a TRUE lady would NEVER criticize period. she might answer if asked a specific question, but since a lady’s goal is the comfort of her guest this is not something she would send.
This! If Mme. Bourne had any class at all, this email would not have occurred. I think the bride is justified is making Mama’s behavior public; if Mama really thinks that addressing her future D-I-L in this way is nothing to be ashamed of, then she will not be bothered. If she feels embarrassed or mortified, then perhaps she will stop and think about whether she should have written these things to begin with.
So my likes, wants, and habits have to change just because someone else deems it “proper”?
I’m sorry, but if I pass on something I was served that I do not want to eat, regardless of whether it is because I dislike it or can’t have it for medical reasons, is completely justified and does not need to be defended. As a host it is your DUTY to find out in advance if one of your guests has any special dietary needs.
And really? is there so little food in your house that you have to strictly control who has seconds? What happened to being a generous and gracious host?
The mother is rediculous.
The one that sticks out to me is “When a guest in another’s house, you do not lie in bed until late morning in households that rise early – you fall in line with house norms.”
In my house where I frequently stay up till 3 am and get up around 11 am or noon. So, if this woman was a guest would she submit to MY hours? I highly doubt it. It seems she just wants people to confirm to HER way of doing things, and is incredibly insulted when they don’t. It’s one thing if you make known to your guest that you’re serving breakfast at whatever time, or are planning on doing something at such and such a time, so that your guest can plan on rising at the appropriate time. But it’s quite another to just expect them to magically realize that everyone in the house gets up at, say, 7 am, so they should too.
The mother in law, in the extended letter, says the woman should go to finishing school to better fit in with the family, so it makes me wonder if this is a wasp type family.
Oh, and I so wanted to get married in a castle. Castle McCulough in NC is a beautiful wedding spot, lots of people get married there and I would have if it wasn’t too expensive for my budget. The mother and law can shove her snooty and judgmental attitude about other people’s wedding choices.
heh I got married there! Neither of us is particularly religious, so we didn’t have a church to use, so my mother looked around for a place for us. It was gorgeous! It cost a lot less 21 years ago.
I have been there before, I shot a wedding there once! The humidity was strangely heavy, it would completely fog my lens. Beautiful place, though. It has the castle and a separate all-glass roundish building that’s beautiful.
Yikes. I’m glad that isn’t my mother in law. Who cares if someone sleeps while the rest of the people are up? Is her sleeping disturbing you? If it’s in a separate room, it’s none of your business, lady. This is way beyond asking someone to be polite, and more like criticizing every little thing the person does because you don’t like them. If you don’t like them, fine, but don’t mask it to make it sound like you are a high and mighty matron with only the best and delicate lady-like behavior. Ugh.
Where is Freddie in all of this? If I were the Bride, I’d be dumping his butt as he should have stepped in and told his mother to shove her attitude and advice. No one needs a momma’s boy with no backbone.
That’s what I was thinking! A lot of these things wouldn’t have been an issue if he had told her about the family’s habits before they visited. I felt a lot more comfortable when my boyfriend talked about his family before I first visited…
I’ve learned over the years that there is a genre of mothers out there out really are crazy. This sounds like one. There are a lot more loving, kinder ways to go about discussing these issues with your future daughter-in-law if you deem it important enough to do so. My MiL picked me apart before my marriage… barely made it to the wedding, left right after, and at this time, they are not speaking to us. Poor Freddie indeed.
SHE WAS DIABETIC. It may not be allergies, but it’s a disease. However, if she was a vegetarian, or lactose intollerant, or if there was a food she mentally associated with a horrible abusive episode, she did NOT have to follow her hostess’s arcane rules as they stand here. As for the sleeping in, if it was a holiday, and she had nowhere to go then what is the problem? This MIL is an ungracious hostess who must be in charge of every detail. Run, Bride, Run…don’t look back. He may be wonderful, but he’s not worth putting up with a control freak grandmother in your offsprings’ lives.
I think he found one just like his dear old mom. Very close fit actually, a match made in heaven for him and his mother.
Mother-in-Law to-be thinks she is a manners expert, but a truly gracious person would never treat any one like this. Is this young woman family or is she a guest? A true lady would NEVER make any one visiting feel uncomfortable in her home. The whole point of manners is to make every one feel at ease and welcome. I am from Boston and my MIL was from Mobile, Alabama; places with very different ideas of etiquette. I learned a great deal about Southern hospitality and was gently corrected many times over the years, and every time I was grateful. “That makes you sound uppity, and I know you aren’t. They don’t know you like I do and I want them to know the real you.” quietly said in a private corner. My accent, my clothes, my job, my family’s sociology-economic status were all drastically different from those of my in-laws, but they were TRULY gracious people and welcomed me and my family with open arms. This woman may think she has manners, but she is dead wrong on that score.
PaulaNancy is right. The entire point of good manners is to make people feel welcome, comfortable, and included.
Using manners as a weapon is never allowed. Never.
This future mother-in-law is trying to teach, but she made a fool of herself. Diabetes!It’s a disease and it’s not easy-going, she has to have attention to her food and at what time she eats. A guest must be treated like a guest, not like a member of the family, if she wants her to act like a member of the family, then there is no point in thank-you-cards, they’re family, it’s all in the family.
And the wedding? Why can’t she dream about a beautiful wedding? Maybe her parents couldn’t save enough money for it.
Just because her life is perfect, doesn’t mean everyone else has to have the same life…
This makes me a bit sad for my future husband…my mom is a bit like this one… She made my ex-boyfriend break up with me, since he wasn’t what she dreamed of.
I’m in the “they’re both wrong” camp. I’m wondering if either one of them care about Freddie at all.
The Bride sounds really…young. Maybe too immature to be getting married?
But the Future Monster in Law? She’s egregious. It is incumbent upon her to take the high road in this situation and she fails miserably. Being a snob does not confer class.
I’d like to sic the real Miss Manners on both of them. And encourage Freddie to join the French Foriegn Legion.
This!
But instead of both, I’d like to say “all” because Freddy can’t be totally innocent. He forgot that he’s the binding factor in this soon to be family and he needs to work hard to smooth it all out. That should go from informing his gal how the house usually operates and asking for her cooperation to informing his mother(step or not) if his guest has any dietary restrictions and asking for her patience.
I have a friend who received a letter like this as well, from her step father. The letter told her all of the reasons not to marry her fiancé. To write a letter like this is truly unacceptable. As for all of the various manners, this is so silly because everyone is taught differently by their parents. For example, when I was little we had to say, “Excuse me please and thank you for the lovely dinner.” where as my friend had to wait until everyone was done eating. Things are different for everyone. I only hope that the marriage is lasting and they can start their own family.
Whereas, in my rather relaxed family, the accepted behavior when a meal had food you didn’t like was to go and make yourself something you did like. I and all of my siblings learned cooking skills, and frequently ended up taking over the cooking in order to get something we especially wanted.
Granted, if we’d had a guest, my mom would have found out in advance whether they liked something and if not, would have cooked something extra that they did like.
Unless there are plans to go out, who the hell cares what time guests get up? I presume people visiting me are TIRED from frickin’ traveling, and deserve to sleep in on their vacation. It takes me all of ten minutes to whip up some eggs and toast whenever they’re ready.
Wow- I’ve never expected my house guests to rise or go to bed when I do! Like I mentioned earlier, peoples sleep patterns tend to follow their work schedules, and Miss could be a 3rd shifter for all we know. I agree its the hostess’ job to make sure guests are relaxed and comfortable- but maybe thats just because I actually WANT people to visit me?
I am surprised at how many people are judging the “Miss” by what this woman wrote-did it occur to those of you who “ruled” against her that maybe, just maybe, the woman was presenting it as she wanted it to be? As many people pointed out, the Miss is diabetic-so she has to have structure with her food-and I get the impression that this was the first meeting-wouldn’t you hide out in your bedroom as long as possible after being treated like she probably was? AND as for early rising, my MIL gets up at 0530, and proceeds to read the paper and drink coffee for 4.5 hours-and does nothing else
The father of the Miss has a funny comment about Mrs. Bourne, who has now decided to keep “a dignified silence”
http://www.metro.co.uk/weird/868002-father-of-staggeringly-rude-fiancee-hits-back-at-miss-fancy-pants
If someone is spending the night at my house they are a GUEST and they can eat anything in the house, sleep as late as they need to and do anything except shave the cat and break the china. A good host does everything they can to make their guest comfortable and at ease, which includes diet issues. If I was the bride-to-be, I would give back the ring (because that is what a lady does) and run as fast as I could away from this family. That email was just a warning shot in this war and it’s not going to get easier!
Nope, you give back the ring because it was given as part of an understood legally binding contract. The ring was given in exchange for marriage. No marriage, no ring.
Also, I’m surprised at how many people are upset at the groom because of an email his stepmother sent. Like he should have somehow known the email was coming and stopped it.
Additionally, for all the people complaining about how it’s antiquated for the bride’s family to pay for the wedding, I notice surprisingly few thinking it’s antiquated for the groom to buy a ring and propose. Oh well.
My husband proposed in July, I got a sapphire ring that Christmas and we went the Justice of the Peace route in March. We didn’t ask for any help with the wedding costs because we decided it was unfair to our families to make them go through the whole “dog and pony” show. He proposed while we were cuddling in bed. Total cost for the rings (my engagement sapphire, his and my wedding bands), and marriage was less than $300. Some of us actually like small and simple.
The only thing I think the groom could have done differently was to have given both sides a heads up what to expect from each other.
The full letter says near the beginning, “Unfortunately Freddie is in love with you,” and ends with, “I pity Freddie.” Obvious tipoffs that none of this is about a diabetic young woman needing food she can eat when she needs to eat it, or about her manners: it’s about controlling the stepson and making sure she can control anyone he marries.
I hope they elope to a different continent.
I’m really curious about the posters criticizing Heidi. Are they privy to additional information, such as the details/context of the alleged insults, or are they just taking the future MIL’s word as golden?
Having friend with diabetes, I know how important it is for them to eat as much as they need to not get ill.
So if she needed more food it most likely not of greed, just trying to keep her levels up.
And also what you can and cant eat with diabetes does differ from person to person.
It just feels like this woman is slightly full of her self.
Well, she’s full of something that begins with “S”.
Being diabetic, I throw the Diabetic Trump Card and eat when I please – anyone who has a prob with this behavior is informed that they can always dial 911 as that likely will become necessary. Of course, I inform my hosts about this particular issue in advance, and I have never found anyone who had a problem with it – if I did, I would walk out and find the nearest McDonalds. As for avoiding particular foods – I would simply avoid eating things I don’t choose to eat, and if someone asks, blame it on the disease. Again, informing the hosts beforehand is the appropriate thing to do. Making a joke in a pub: mistakes happen, get over it. Getting up late in a house of early-risers is no different than getting up early in a house of late-risers (although my medication schedule usually makes me get up before everyone else anyway, so that’s less of an issue for me). Again, it all comes down to this: do you want your daughter-in-law, who spends more time with your son, to love you or hate you?
The way you posed that was actually, very unflattering to yourself. I understand what you mean: You have a disease and it’s important that you get the food that you need when you need it. “Throwing the Diabetic Trump Card” and “they can always dial 911″ is very, very rude, and shows that you take your condition lightly, almost as a way to play pity with your hosts. Whether or not you meant it like that is not under question; it’s the way you posed yourself. If you didn’t mean it like that, be more careful in the future and don’t just “blame things on the disease.”
Making a joke in a pub? You don’t joke about the family you’re entering. You don’t do it in a public place where family friends might be around.
I agree that the mother-in-law has a gigantic stick up her bum, but I’m sure glad I don’t have you marrying into my family; there are social ettiquettes that need to be abided by. The hostess should have offered seconds and been prepared for a diabetic guest. The guest should not have been so casual knowing she’s around such a formal family.
It doesn’t matter what the guest’s behaviour was at her MIL’s, the way to address it was NOT in an email from the MIL herself. MIL should have brought her concerns up to her step-son; he could have weighed them and given advice to his B2B (well, he should have prepared her up front for his step-mum’s exacting standards).
It was 100% rude to correct the guest directly (MIL always had an option of letting it go!), but given all the little sniping comments about marrying her precious Freddie and her parents’ lack of affording the wedding, it doesn’t seem like the MIL’s hate could be held back to even a minimum of etiquette standards.
The very least, if Heidi was such a boor and disgraced the Bourne family so much that Colonel Bourne is rolling over in his grave and the servants all resigned en masse, then Heidi should not be invited back to the home, but still her Nitpicker’s Guide should not have been sent.
Lastly, if the MIL would’ve taken her own advice about a handwritten letter, then maybe this nastygram wouldn’t have gone viral.
It would be nice if Heidi’s side of the story were getting all of the publicity, but apparently, she & Freddie have kept very quiet. I would love to hear Freddie’s take on this, but from inferences in the email, Freddie is a bit of a wuss.
My advice to Heidi is “RUN while you have the chance”. The stepmother is going to make your life HELL every chance she gets.
Just for the record, Heidi is NOT the one who sent the email all over the world, one of her friends did. I think most of us have discussed our families, in-laws, etc with our friends.
uggh the thing that gets me the most is the sleeping in thing.
at my in-laws (which is in a different time zone, btw) they stay up til midnight or 1 and get up at 7 or 8 AM!! now, I assume that my husband’s family sleeps the same way he does (IE: out before their head even hits the pillow) but I often have difficulty sleeping ESPECIALLY in a different place (even up to occasional bouts with insomnia). I would be a complete zombie if i got up when they did! ALSO-I am usually the first person to head up to bed anyways so I am sure this MIL would think that is rude!
Also, some people just need more sleep than others. My husband is cool on 6 or so but i need a full 8 (of sleep, not just lying in bed, wide awake witch happens every night for an average of an hour)
rude b*tch this MIL is.
oh and btw i cannot stomach bell peppers, there mere smell makes my stomach turn. My MIL will leave the peppers out of a section of whatever she is making (pizza, or what have you) or only serve the peppers on the side (they grow them in their garden). that is what a GOOD host does!
I am siding with the bride for the vast majority. Even if there is one complaint that is justified in this list, Mom should have addressed them directly and kindly immediately after they happened instead of being passive aggressive and then announcing them as reasons she shouldn’t marry her son.
On the other hand, it was the wrong decision to turn around and post the email on the interwebs. It only furthers the unpleasantness of the situation. If the bride is not mature enough to know not to submit her private business to the gossip clustercuss that is the internet then perhaps Mom-in-law has a few valid points after all.
I pity Freddie as well, for having this woman for a mother. Once your children have grown and made the decision to marry someone, your job is to be happy for them. Your opinions about the manners of your future daughter in law are best kept to yourself.
Although those are all Manners 101 type stuff we should all know, she didn’t need to a) point it out b) in writing c) rudely and d) to attack her for issues like her parents’ finances.
Also, something tells me Mrs. Overpowering Mother will never be accepting of any woman that threatens to take her precious Freddie away.
This will be an awkward wedding and marriage. Obviously, the groom did not take the time to let his fiance know about his mom’s picky habits or let his mom know about his fiances dietary needs. Did he want to make sure that his wife and mother would never stop arguing with each other?
Thank goodness my MIL is a reasonable, nice, likable lady.
I have never heard of someone sending a hand-written thank you card for going to visit family. They’re FAMILY. Family (at least parents/siblings for sure) should be above that for visits. It’s just a visit! I mean, yeah, send thank you cards for gifts (especially wedding gifts) but for going over for a weekend or whatever? Screw that.
Having hosted lots of people at my home, I always thought it was important to find out what they want to eat in advance so no one was unhappy (what is the point of having people over if you’re not going to try to spend happy time with them?). Especially with medical concerns. WTF?
I also thought going in for seconds was a compliment to the chef.
Only thing I really agree on is the “if you’re broke maybe you shouldn’t get married in a castle thing: unless the in-laws are offering, it shouldn’t happen. That’s rude.
Guess I also agree with the sleeping thing, to some extent, but I think it depends on the nature of the visit. Is there an agenda for the day or is it just hanging out? If there is an agenda, everyone should be getting up around the same time or at least a “be up by [time]” thing. If not, what’s the problem with sleeping in? And on the other hand, what if the guests are early-risers: should they just lie there in bed for however many hours until the hosts get up? That’s silly, too.
I guess I am a wierd MIL. My Dil and I talk every day. She and my son like to sleep in and I wake up horribly early. When I go to visit, I am up before them and the kids. When the kids wake up I try to feed and an keep them busy as long as I can. The DIL and I are as different as you can get, but we get along great. Probably because we accept that that it is ok to be different.
OK, I’m completely stumped. WHERE does it say that the future d-in-l has diabetes??? (I mean, I read all the discussion of that as a valid reason for saying “what she would and would not eat,” but never found the reference. If I’ve just got myself a silly “blind spot,” and it’s there, plain as day, please forgive (ahead of time) this exasperated semi-rant. *sheepish grin*
you have to read the source article
Hmm… I didn’t see the full text in the source material. Link please? I’m curious as to how crazy this chick can be:-)
My husband & I have to be at work at 4:00 am most days. I tend to get up around 3:00 am whether I am working or not as I have sleep issues. There is NO WAY I would expect anyone, especially a guest to get up at a ridiculous time like that. The key word being GUEST. The food remarks remind me of my SIL. We know to eat in advance BEFORE we go to their house because there will not be enough food. One can of corn & one can of green beans to feed 12 people, seriously? It is how she has always been& it is only once or twice a year. It doesn’t say how long Heidi has been a diabetic, but even people who have very well controlled diabetes can have problems, ESPECIALLY if they are in a new/stressful environment. My ex is diabetic & most of the time he controlled it very well. There were times, however, when he had issues, primarily due to stress & he didn’t manage it as well as usual. It happens. My original advice to Heidi stands : RUN!!
“Good manners are not that you won’t spill sauce on the tablecloth, but that you won’t notice, when someone else did ” A.P. Chekhov
I think that, while the MIL has very valid points, she is a bit too militant. Not allowed second helpings unless she has permission? Not allowed to refuse food she doesn’t like? I can see eye to eye about the apparent pub scene and the extravagant wedding, and maybe even about the late-rising, but the “guest manners” are kind of ridiculous. However, this bride does seem to be an all around brat, so I can see the MIL’s anger with her selfishness and the need to confront her with it.
On second thought, however, after reading a few of your comments, I think it was rude to be brought up like this. My family is absolutely ridiculous about manners, and the way this “lady” brought it up was tacky and rude in itself. My grandma told me that you can always tell a true lady from the amount of dignity she displays. This woman probably effectively ruined comfortable ties with her son by doing this.
My grandmama always told me when I’m a guest in someone’s house you “don’t carp about their cleaning”.
Only part of the email has been making the rounds of different websites. I read the full email at the website of one of the UK newspapers. The full email brings up the diabetes, but Mrs. Fancy Flowers seems to think that Heidi should basically not talk about it. I guess Mrs. Fancy Flowers thinks it would be better if someone were to go into a diabetic coma rather than simply say, “I can’t eat that because I have diabetes.” All that has been shown on the internet is Mrs. Fancy Flowers side of the story. She could be the type who takes offense no matter what is said & done. From what Heidi’s father said about the first time the two families met, Mrs. Fancy Flowers took an automatic dislike to Heidi’s family. I wonder what Mrs. Fancy Flowers was BEFORE she married Freddies’s father? Perhaps a little gold digger, herself? She is the second wife, after all.
Ok mom needs to check herself because while, if her accusations are true, the future DIL needs to be more socially aware, there is a time and a place for blanket condemnation of the bride, and it is not when the wedding is being planned. Did she post this on their wedding website? What does she hope to achieve by generalizing her criticism of her son’s bride to be in such a broad “ask yourself why” way. Discuss manners in a more private and conductive way, or elicit the son’s help in helping his fiancee rub along more easily with her new family. But this is just hostile and crazypants!
I don’t even know how our wedding is going to play out, most simply because it is going to be incredibly non-traditional. We are planning to have a Dr. Who Gallifreyan wedding at Dragoncon, with it being part of the convention itself. (Yay for precedent, there has been Klingon weddings there almost every year I’ve gone.) The interesting bits there will be the fact that not everyone attending will be congoers, or even fen to begin with. Our goal is to manage to make everyone comfortable as they can be. One of the ideas we’ve had is to make the attendant’s clothing as easy as possible by making robes for them to wear right over whatever they are already wearing, costume or whatever. That way, when my brother stands up for me, he can toss the costume aside right after the ceremony. I expect he will.
But yeah, there’s a lot of uncharted territory here, considering how to handle the non-con-going family. We have decided to get a bunch of day passes to the convention at the group rate to try and keep costs down.
And I’ll be damned if we are wearing our wedding clothes only ONCE. I’ve planned several wearings over the course of that con alone! Course, it’s not going to be a white gown and tux, but big, wonderously tacky red robes with crazy trim and everything. No white for me. No ivory, no eggshell, no cream. No, mother. CRIMSON WITH GOLD BRAIDING. *evil laugh*
I bet Mrs. Manners would HATE me. Hell, I’d probably have deliberatly done most of the food faux-pas she mentions after receiving an email like that. I’m so glad my parents and my to-be mother-in-law are all relaxed, awesome people.
1. the MiL is NOT the bio mom of the groom. she is the step mother of him.
2. his bio mom loves her. and can not understand why the new wife of her ex is being like that. as in a mile wide stick up her rump.
3. obviously the smil does NOT know anything about restrictive diets
4. she is treating the gal more like a servant than a guest for rules.
5. where the wedding takes place is NONE of her dang business unless she is helping to pay for it. the place for the wedding is between the bride and groom.
6. same goes for where the reception is to be held after the wedding. if there is one. not all weddings have them.
7. as for saving up to pay for a wedding. very few families can do that. in many cases they end up having to take out a loan to do so. that was very crass of the smil to say that about the money issue.
.
.
I hope the female who wrote the letter finds her way here and reads everything. that also includes hopefully finding her way to True Crime Reports and reads the thread there too.
.
I hope the new couple finds their way to the various mil sites to add this to the various tales that many a person who had or has in-laws have let us know about the troubles one has gone thru with their in-laws.
this is why one should marry sterile orphans
The only point I guess the lady was right about is the castle-thing. You cannot require the other family to pay for your sentimental dreams. Pick something that you can afford, otherwise the other family thinks you are only after the money.
Lack of manners is the question of education (so not her fault), putting a finger on it is tasteless.
I do think the mother, no matter if step-mother or not, is right, at least for the most part. Certainly about the insulting and high wedding prices. I in general find it stupid to want big, overpriced weddings, even if you CAN afford them, and much more stupid if you can’t. Why have weddings you have to pay for for half of your life after, if the day is just for you, and your new husband, few closest people, maybe? I could as well go with maybe 10 guests, if honestly.
And insulting is out of question, of course.
And as for food, she did remark that unless you CAN’T eat something, and so, apparently, the bride refuses to eat other things that she can eat, despite her diabetic state.
On a side note, I am not an elderly woman, but a young girl who thinks like that, so there.
Diabetes is a complicated condition – what you can eat, how much, and when depends on a whole host of factors and varies wildly from person to person. Insulin dependence complicates things even further – once you take the insulin, you need to get some food in your system quickly before it sends your blood sugar through the floor, and you need to get enough food for the dose that you took. Some diabetics can eat anything within reason, provided they get the insulin dose right, others are severely limited (whether they use insulin or not) and only by VERY carefully managing diet, medication schedules and activity levels can they keep their blood sugar under some sense of control. For instance, most diabetics can eat cheese just fine, regardless of whether they’re insulin-dependent. For decades, my uncle was one of them. Now, no matter how carefully he calculates the insulin dose, cheese will spike his blood sugar, and no one knows why, because logically, it has enough protein that it shouldn’t. He’d love to eat cheese – but if you offered him a piece of pizza, he would have no choice but to decline. My guess would be that the mother in law knew another diabetic who would be able to eat whatever it was she was serving, and assumed that because Heidi couldn’t (and thus wouldn’t) that she was merely digging in her heels and being stubborn.
My family and my in-laws both freely encourage my husband and I to take seconds, no one cares who starts, and both my parents and his attempt to avoid foods which one of us doesn’t like when we are visiting. Both our families have numerous issues with food allergies/intolerances – gluten, dairy, chocolate, and peanuts, among others – which we have readily worked around when necessary. Both families realize that hubby and I both have Asperger’s Syndrome (as do some of our other relatives), and they quietly pull us aside if we’re having a moment of social ineptitude. As for sleeping in, I get a certain amount of good-natured ribbing about it from my own family, but both of our families realize that at the time Lord Mittens and I met, I was working nights, and was chronically exhausted, and swinging my sleep cycle 180 degrees was difficult – they cheerfully accepted my swinging my schedule 90-100 degrees so that I would still be functional when I got back to my job. Even now that I’m working days, it’s a 12 hour shift starting at 6am (I am NOT a morning person), and I’m still chronically exhausted – my in-laws freely encourage me to catch up on sleep when I’m on vacation visiting them. In other words, regardless of whether any of her points were valid, Mom-in-Law handled this ALL wrong. And a lot of her points, she’s making mountains out of molehills, especially considering the bride’s health issues.
However correct the mother’s points may be, a truly polite, well-bred person never points out others’ faults. It seems as though they deserve each other.
I think the kicker of this situation is that to me, someone who is proper and truly concerned about the disconnect that has become obvious in patterns of behavior would have a polite and constructive, face-to-face conversation, instead of passive aggressively using a third person email to point out issues.
Presenting concerns face to face could readily remedy some of these issues… The food thing, for example. If she had asked about it face to face, she could have immediately been told that her daught in law to be was diabetic and didn’t mean to be rude, but had to regulate her diet. My boyfriend is diabetic, and so is my mother… Both had issues at the beginning but when it comes down to it, the wrong foods can KILL you if you are not careful about ingredients so you learn to just bluntly say yes, no, I need more, I can’t eat all of this, etc.
The only thing I could even possibly consider being okay is the wedding costs thing… Not the remarks about the parents not contributing (hell, my parents told me when I was 8 years old that they had no intention of paying for mine… this is a pretty outdated tradition anyway) mind you.. but say, if your stepson expressed concerns that he couldn’t bring up to his fiancee, I can imagine feeling prompted to say something… but if it is true that the recipient turned to her own fiance and said WTF and he didn’t use it as a way to start the conversation… yeah…
Really, what I think should be done in these situations, is if you really really feel like something needs to be said, you talk to your family member… in this case, the stepson… and let him know your concerns, and ask him to speak with his fiancee about it. Let him decide how to approach it, if at all, and let it be.
I mean, c’mon, who of us with sensitive family members haven’t been approached in whispers by someone saying “Look, I know you don’t agree, but while Grandma (or insert family member of choice) is here, can you just make sure you do [x,y,z]?” I know I have.
This woman (MIL) is a complete psycho. I am thrilled a friend of the bride exposed her to the world! It is sweet retribution! I do have questions concerning Freddie’s part in all of this and his feeling’s/relationship with his step-mother…something seems amiss to tell the truth. Anyone with an inkling of decorum would NEVER have sent such an e-mail to a future family member, the implications are more than obvious. I am a Southerner from the U.S. and there is no divide between British and my own culture that would change the truth of it all…Mrs. Bourne is Cruella DeVille!
As a diabetic, there are things she shouldn’t be eating. It’s appropriate for her to mention that! Also, did the woman tell the bride-to-be ahead of time what the morning schedule was, or did she just get mad taht the girl didn’t guess?
None of it is justified. A guest in your home is a guest – if they drink water from the finger bowl at dinner, you do so as well to avoid making them uncomfortable.
Even if everything in this letter is 100% true at face value, you -certainly- don’t write a letter explaining to someone they’ve been rude in your opinion. That is the absolute pinnacle of lack of class and manners.
STEP mother. Key word, STEP. It is not her child, it is not her money towards the wedding, ergo, it is NOT her business what they spend. Even bringing up the “table manners,” even if there was merit, was extremely rude, shallow, and presented her as a sorry excuse for a hostess.
It is also rude to publicly correct your daughter-in-law. It should have been done in private.
2 things. Firstly, this sounds like an Everybody Loves Raymond script idea, written from Marie to Debra. Secondly, if I had to put up with this crap for the rest of my life, I’d seriously question whether my fiance was worth all the misery I’d have to endure. Nah, stuff it: no guy is worth THIS.
My fiance’s brother had an ex-girlfriend like this. She was a pesco-vegetarian, and made a huge fuss every time there was a meal where we didn’t fall in line with her dietary choices, even though my future mother-in-law made every effort to make a suitable alternative for her. For instance, we went for a barbeque at the beach, and we had beef burgers. The girlfriend (let’s call her Nancy) made a huge fuss that her salmon burger (which was quite expensive) tasted awful. She considered herself quite the food expert, and would insult my future mother-in-law’s cooking, even going so far as to barge into her kitchen while my FMIL was cooking dinner and just take over, explaining what my FMIL was doing wrong. She also would do the opposite, waking up insanely early and dragging my fiance’s brother out of bed, making a lot of noise. She would make a point of excluding my fiance’s younger sister (only about two years younger than her), making it clear she thought she was a little kid (she once pat her head and said “you’ll understand when you’re older”). I happen to be about four years younger than my fiance, and when she found this out, she openly laughed at me and called me jail-bait. She would insult the family’s religious practices (she was brought up Anglican, my fiance’s family is devoutly Mennonite, with my future father-in-law being the lead pastor of their church), and make a fuss about joining them for church on Sundays (which was accepted as being the polite thing to do). It took my FMIL a lot of patience and grace not to say anything, and I avoided her so I didn’t lose my temper and blow up at her. This future mother-in-law had every right to tell her these things. I don’t think she was rude or out of line at all!
I don’t eat beef or pork (I’ll spare you the long list of “or”s – sometimes I abbreviate this to “vegetarian” to eliminate awkward questions), so if I were at a BBQ at the beach and the only available cooking surface was the grill where the burgers were being cooked, I’d politely decline a salmon burger. Not because I’m difficult (which, ok, I am), but because I know from experience that I would become quite ill and that the “facilities” on the beach are probably lacking in that regard.
If I know I’m going to a BBQ, I usually bring my little box of black bean burgers, and ask for a cleaner spot on the grill or pop it onto a sheet of foil. Side items are also good for me, assuming that the hosts, who are probably Southern, haven’t put bacon in them. That’s another reason that self-identifying as “vegetarian” helps – people forget that I don’t eat pork, but if I tell them I’m vegetarian they’re usually quite helpful in telling me what I can’t eat!
My husband’s family doesn’t usually remember, but they generally have enough sides I can eat that it’s not a problem, thankfully! His father gets up very early (like 5:30) and his mother prefers to sleep late, so if I had to conform to their sleep schedule I’d be very confused. I do usually get up a bit earlier at their house because I feel self-conscious, or because the dogs wake up and bark.
Sounds like my evil witch of a mother in law has a Brittish cousin. God help us all if there’s more than one of them on this planet.
Um… Wow.
I’m reminded of that old White Stripes song, “I Want to Be the Boy to Warm Your Mother’s Heart”, in a way.
Seriously, this woman needs a reality-check. It’s 2011, not Victorian England.
So, horribly reminded of my own mother here.
Hey, Mom? Do you have any idea how embarrassing this kind of thing is to your ADULT offspring? And do you have any idea how rude YOU are being? This is the person your son has chosen. And he seems to think that she is a good pick for him. So mind your own business…
Let’s go down the line, shall we?
As far as will or will not eat, can’t comment much on it, as the whole story is not provided. Did you ask her what she enjoys eating when she came to visit? Yes? Then she is justified in telling you her preferences. No? Then YOU are the rude one for not properly taking care of your guests.
“You do not start before everyone else”? Alrighty, well, SOMEONE needs to start, and if the girl’s hungry, let her start. Heck if someone is a guest in my home, I eagerly wait for THEM to take the first bite, so they can tell me what they think! (test dummies, lol!) But seriously. TAKE CARE OF YOUR GUEST! This includes additional helpings! If she’s not allowed to say she hasn’t had enough, and she’s not allowed to serve herself extra helpings, then HOW THE HECK IS SHE GONNA EAT ENOUGH AT YOUR HOUSE? Or do you not care? I wouldn’t be surprised. Your “exemplary hosting skills are already quite evident already.
As for falling in line with house norms, as others have already said, you need to learn to bring others’ lifestyles into account too! Yes, them attempting to fall into line a little, would be extra nice, but cut some slack! If she is used to being up at night (I certainly am, I work the graveyard shift) then it is only to be expected that she would have trouble sleeping at night like the rest of the household.
As far as insulting the family in public, alright, yeah. She shouldn’t do that. But if it was actually a joke, maybe you just need to learn to lighten up a little. It could go either way here, as yet again, the whole story is unknown.
What’s wrong with getting married in a castle? Don’t the majority of girls grow up dreaming of being a princess and marrying their prince in a castle? What’s so wrong with wanting that? Now, I’ll agree that she should limit based on a nice budget, but hey, there are much better ways of discussing this. Did you even try to act like an adult and discuss this stuff with her before writing a snarky letter? Cause it doesn’t sound like it.
Man…*rereads her rant* I do apologize, but this looks like precisely the same stuff I told my mother when she wrote a snarky and unnecessary letter to my fiance. It is a cruel and unwelcome thing to do to your offspring and their chosen mate, because guess what, you probably hurt him more than you hurt her by writing this, lady.
Basic line is, she went overboard with this, and ended up looking hateful, cruel and childish herself in the end.